A Few Pointers From This Weekend

If you decide to get drunk, please don't drive.

See, if you'd stopped right there, a lot of issues would have been resolved pre-emptively. But, alas, it was not to be.

If you wreck your car driving drunk at 0430 on a Saturday morning and you decide to try to drive away, make sure your vehicle will still operate with enough functionality to go somewhere.

If you fail to determine that one rear wheel has been completely ripped from your car and the other rear tire is jammed into a fender, do not use what little capability your vehicle has to go farther away from the road.

If you use what little capability your vehicle has remaining to make a run for it, don't get it hung up on the only planter within 100'.

If you get your vehicle hung up on a planter and decide to run for it, don't leave your wallet on the front seat.

Or your cell phone.

If you leave your wallet, don't leave your ID, which matches the registration on the car.

Or all that money in it. Wow, dude.

If you run off and leave your wallet behind, ostensibly because you don't want to get caught as the driver, don't walk in plain sight on the main road where ambulances, fire trucks and police cars will come from.

If you are trying to get away on the main road and get spotted in the headlight beams, don't call attention to yourself by ducking conspicuously out of the way after you've been shined.

If you got shined and then ducked without success, and have now been detained by the police department, have a better story than that you were out looking for your lost dog. At 0430 in the dark. On a quiet country road MILES from where you live.

If you claim you were looking for your dog, know its name and be ready to describe it without having to give it some thought.

And be ready to come up with a plausible local address instead of blurting out your real one miles away (that miraculously matches the address of the RO of a nearby and recently wrecked car) before adding that you moved to the area recently. Uh huh.

You have much to learn, and there is scant hope for your future (or ours if we have to carry tools like you through life).

In the meantime, your right to vote and share our air ought to be rescinded along with your right to drive.